But, in reality, I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’ve been very confused lately, extremely wound up in a web of many future career decisions and channels to pass through.
Maybe I’m just wasting my brain cells and overthinking too much, but from what I can see, this kind of thinking does not impede on my productivity at all. So, what is going on? Seriously, what is?
I’ve realized that we are taught by society how to react to all situations. How to act, how to feel, how to “be” so that we fit in. I’ve already discovered this “way that you are taught to be.” I dwell, dwell, dwell on what just happened and it gets to a point where society becomes the determining factor of what I should become. I sometimes think that I cannot trust my own thoughts anymore because you feel like “what’s the point?”
I repeatedly denied over the fact that what I think and say is a result of this type of programming that I’ve created through experience and internalized over the years. I denied that I was stuck in a “rigid” sequence of algorithms. I am doing many activities that I am passionate about, but I’m just sometimes filled with self-defeating thoughts. It feels that people are essentially molding the framework of who I am. Pessimistic phrases around me knock me over because I don’t feel grounded. For many years, I felt the action of being pulled out from the earth, detaching a crucial part of me that supports my life.
I wondered why the two letters “i” and “m” in the word “impossible” can be so easily erased when written down, yet so hard to erase when it is living in the real world.
I read a quote once written by Ralph Waldo Emerson, a famous American writer, “The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
I realized that, “I am I”. I can only be “I” if I take control of my thoughts. I have responsibility over my thoughts. After my days of self-exploration, I’ve concluded something: through my thoughts, I am creating my life. I think that is worth repeating as a separate paragraph:
Through my thoughts, I am creating my life.
If I looked at my thought patterns in the past, I would have seen that much of what I was thinking could be classified as mind chatter that comes from undisciplined thinking. But, I have grown to have self-discipline for my thoughts and reprogram my brain into focusing on positive thought patterns. I’ve really never looked at it this way before, but I know that once it works in my favor, this knowledge will be liberating.
And in reality, I am a step closer to my dream. I know exactly what I’m doing.